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born: November 7th, 2004 weight: 8lb 9oz |
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Tokonoma Shelf
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Prologue from Holly: Since I wrote this and sent it to quite a few of my mom-friends, I have been astounded to hear that my experience was similar to many of theirs. I could never have understood the pain and the joys of becoming a mother before. I feel like I have been initiated into a sisterhood of intense joy and intense pain. No secret handshake. Almost half the people you know are already in the club and you can just tell by making eye contact.  Grif was due on Wednesday, October 27th, 2004. Many people told me that first babies are usually late and it's very rare to have a child actually right on the due date, so the psychological date of Oct 27th passed with no action. I wasn't surprised but it did sort of represent a psychological threshold that was stronger than I'd anticipated, for both Sean and me. Now I was "post due-date." They made four appointments for me at the OBGYN clinic; 2 for the due date week, and two for the following week. I never thought I'd make it to all of them, as the last one was when I'd be 9 days overdue. But I made it! Around the 7th or 8th day of waiting patiently without feeling much frustration, I fell over an emotional/hormonal cliff. On November 3rd, (day 7 post due-date) George W. was "re-"elected President of the United States. I checked the internet at 3am to see how it was going and it didn't look good. By noon, Kerry had conceded. I sat in my kitchen for hours listening to the news, looking out the window and crying. I was fully depressed for the rest of the day. I don't know if that bitter disappointment was the catalyst, but I lost what little perspective I had about being overdue after that. There was no reasoning with me or looking on the bright side. I started REALLY lamenting my overly pregnant plight. I fully despaired ever going into labor naturally before it became medically necessary to induce me (at 14 or 15 days overdue.) I was inconsolable. Saturday morning, day 10, was no different. At very least I was scheduled to be induced the following Monday or Tuesday, I thought. Sean and I decided to take a long walk around midday. Right before that walk, I lost the mucus plug, indicating that my cervix had just started dilating (although I couldn't feel any contractions.) My mood improved dramatically! It's some kind of biological/evolutionary slight of hand that makes an overly-pregnant woman beg the gods for the pain of childbirth (even, maybe especially, without fully grasping the impending level of pain.) Sean and I walked to the blueberry fields on the other side of Rt 105. We gathered some moss, some fire orange oak leaves and some bittersweet berries on the way back for the tokonoma shelf. I lied down on the couch and fell deeply asleep for about an hour. I woke up feeling happy and really refreshed around 4pm…and I felt some contractions. After three contractiony feelings, I told Sean about them, hoping against hopes that this wasn't another false alarm. We made a light dinner and timed the contractions over dinner. They weren't terribly regular, but they averaged about 6 minutes apart and 40 seconds in duration, so I called the hospital. An obstetrician called back and recommended I head to the hospital without even asking about my contractions. At 10 days overdue, what else could it be? Sean and I excitedly bustled around packing our bags, although most of what I'd need had already been in my car for 2 weeks. We said goodbye to Tenzin and called our neighbor to let him know she'd be alone for a few days. We let our parents and my sister know that we were heading into the hospital. By the time we arrived at the hospital-about 6pm,-- the contractions had become more intense, but still weren't very painful. As the nurse settled us into the birthing room, she asked what my pain level was on a scale of 1 to 10 and I said "four." (Little did I know that my definition of "ten" would increase a few rungs by the time I left…) Sean and I watched a movie (Finding Nemo) on my laptop in between visits from the nurses. We were excited! The day had finally arrived!! By 10 pm, pain was demanding my attention. A nurse gave me a sedative/pain killer to help me try to get some sleep before the long haul ahead. An hour later, I woke a little manic with pain. Sean was sleeping. I got up and walked around, wanting to get down on the floor to stretch and move the energy through, so the nurses put some blankets down on the floor for me. Sean helped me stretch. After checking that I was 3 cm dilated, the nurse suggested the hot tub. After this, time seemed to warp a little for me. Many hours later I thought I was still feeling the effects of the sedative because I was so delirious, but it was probably a combination of sedative, exhaustion and pain. Sean tended to me while I was in the hot tub-however long that was-and when I got out, I was 7 cm dilated. I was also entirely unable to pee. The baby was descending and was pinching my urethra closed. I actually asked for a catheter-something I never thought I would do-because it was so distractingly uncomfortable. By 6am, I was 9.5 cm dilated. My nurse midwife couldn't believe it. She was skeptical that I would dilate at all overnight, for some reason. I was determined to make every contraction DO something, however, so I'd let every one of them wash over me while offering as little resistance and possible. At 6am, the nurses thought this baby would be born by 8am and one of them made the mistake of telling my sister that over the phone. I didn't get to 10cm until 10:15 am, when a stubborn lip on one side of my cervix finally receded. Only after that could the baby become "engaged" in the pelvis. The midwife administered a pitocin drip. (This is the synthetic hormone that induces labor.) Unfortunately this baby became engaged with his head cocked to one side and didn't straighten out. Later, we also realized he was "posterior," meaning he was head down, but facing the wrong way. Ouch. The midwife said that the labor went about 6 1/2 hours longer than they thought it would. Those 6 1/2 hours were the hardest 6 1/2 hours of my life. I have never had to do anything more painful or difficult in my 34 years. I didn't even have the presence of mind to grasp what I was doing. I'd heard-and feared-a pitocin-induced labor. Not only did I end up getting one, it was a "back" labor (posterior presentation) as well. A massive double whammy and a big baby to boot. When Griffin finally came out at 1 pm, he shot out in one push and did a corkscrew turn. The midwife had a hard time catching him. He was covered in meconium and had the cord around his neck. His head was not only cone-shaped, it had this weird lobe on the end of it from the long passage down the birth canal. He only got an Apgar score of 5 at first (on a scale of 1 to 10), but he pinked up to an 8 after not too long. 8 lbs. 9 oz. Big hands and feet. Big baby. My eyes were black and blue from pushing so hard. I was beyond exhausted and over the next 24 hours, the lactic acid build up in all my muscles descended on me to make me feel as if I'd climbed a mountain by clawing and biting my way up a vertical rope to the top. Man, I was in bad shape for a few days. Within moments of Grif's birth, the midwives were all joking about how my NEXT baby would come out quickly. But now onward to the GOOD parts! Griffin smiles sometimes in his sleep and he has two dimples that just light up a room. He's 6 days old now and I wake up everyday looking forward to hanging out with him. |
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My next baby. HAH! They say you forget the pain of labor-and yes it has receded and faded amidst the immense joy of having a brand new son!-but there's no way I will forget an experience like that.